After Death ?

Three months ago I heard some tragic news, a lovely chap I worked with many years ago, Lawrence, suddenly lost his beautiful (and she was indeed very lovely) wife of thirty five years, Melissa.  All those years ago when I knew them, they were quite the glamorous couple, he was an Air Traffic Controller and she was an Air Stewardess with one of the world wide airlines.   In time he qualified as a commercial Pilot and is still flying the world.  Everyone always referred to her as ‘The lovely Melissa’, because she had the sweetest nature and was a truly decent person, I think when goodness shines out of somebody, others latch onto it very quickly.

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They have a son, who is now in his twenties and has a good job in London.  Lawrence and Melissa moved to London many years ago for their careers and remained there.  I heard she had suffered a little with her health over the years, due to Anorexia in her youth.  Apparently she woke up feeling unwell and was in hospital by the afternoon and passed away shortly after, at 52 years old, I am led to believe it was a heart attack.

My heart went out to Lawrence, I haven’t seen either of them for close to thirty years, but all the same I was so shocked, she was so young for such a sudden death, makes you think.

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Last week I heard from a very close friend of both myself and Lawrence, that they had seen him for a visit, he told them he was sort of seeing someone, not actually in a relationship, but going to events and the lady stayed in his guest room on occasion.  Apparently he had a sit-down with his Son, who has his own life and home now, and asked him how he felt about him inviting this lady over, he said he was no good alone and needed company.  His Son was most reasonable about it and said it was ok by him, which surprised me a little, well a lot actually, Melissa had only passed away 12 weeks ago.

For me, the biggest surprise is how annoyed I felt ! even though I haven’t seen any of them in years, it stirred up my own bad memories, you see when my Mum passed away almost 5 years ago, my Father had a woman all lined up to take her place, and he started living with her the day after the funeral, all be it in secret at first, surrounding me with lies and half truths about his whereabouts, the deceit went on for months until his lies tripped him up.

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What I fail to be able to grasp is this:

The utter lack of respect for the person who has passed away.

No decent period of mourning.

Moving on so fast the grass didn’t even grow beneath their feet.

Lord forbid I lost my lovely Husband, but there is absolutely no way on earth I would show such an utter lack of respect for him and our life together of 23 years and be off with a new chap by the end of the month!

Perhaps I am being old fashioned? unreasonable? My friend. who is also Lawrence’s friend, says she has no problem with him moving on, she has told her Husband and Sons that if she goes, she wants her husband to find someone else straight away if he wants to.  I don’t feel that people should be alone forever after losing a loved one, I just truly believe that honouring their memory is the least that should be done.

Much good health, happiness and long life to you all my friends!


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43 thoughts on “After Death ?

  1. I understand what u mean in terms of mourning and respect. But also people must learn how to let go since life goes on. No one is replaceable and dating after the death of a dear one is not a lack of respect for the dead one I believe. It is a way to cope up with the terrible loss and to face the new life ahead. Some people need this, some people don’t.

    Liked by 5 people

  2. I don’t know if I should be comending you on THIS post about how well it is written, as it is about a rather sad incident! However, I’ll just say it was filled with twists until the end, and kept me hooked till the end.
    However, I am not too sure myself about what the correct mourning period would be. I mean… I might sound hopelessly romantic here, but I think if one is truly attached to someone and loses them, they aren’t able to find someone right away to fill that gap. Eventually, yes! But not right away. In this case, I felt that if your friend moved on so quickly there definitely was something lacking in their relationship. And I would rather have a person like that move on after I pass away, as he couldn’t find something substantial in a marriage of so many years to wait long enough. I would feel he doesn’t deserve to mourn me. I don’t know… That’s how I felt after reading this.

    Liked by 4 people

  3. I understand when you say it is difficult to comprehend how someone can move on so fast. I think when you lose someone and especially in this case quite so suddenly it takes time to grieve.
    I think I would even take more time grieving over my fur baby.

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  4. My late EX HUSBAND Passed 8 years ago. We remained good friends, indeed better friends than when we were married. I’m still in touch with his children from his first marriage (they are all adults). When he died neither of us were in a relationship. It took me five years to even begin to think about wanting to be with anyone else. Some people do move on quickly but I don’t get it when they do. It’s a difficult one.

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  5. When my dad passed away, regardless what I felt about him, had my mum settled in with someone else very soon after, I would have been annoyed. But she wasn’t interested in anyone else and still isn’t, because of what he was like, put off to be with anyone else.

    I am not interested being with anyone myself either, given what I have had, but based on feelings I once had for someone, had it worked out and he wasn’t the type of person I discovered him to be, I would have grieved and not moved on straight away. But for how long that would have been for; whether months, or a few years, I don’t know.

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  6. 12 weeks is way too soon, to even think about seeing someone else, let alone have them staying in a guest room? Although I suspect men have a harder time being on their own than women, to me it denotes a lack of respect for the spouse, if they are that easily and quickly replaced.

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  7. I agree with you completely. Perhaps loneliness or something else drove the train, but I sincerely believe that a certain amount of time should pass otherwise it’s as if you never loved nor cared for the other individual at all and they meant absolutely nothing, simply your need for a substitute or sex but certainly not love.

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  8. I think I get where you’re coming from…in terms of the “grieving time element.”

    The 1st funeral I ever attended was my Mom’s. Kind of a shock at 15yo. Be that as it may – she died in Nov and by December Dad had a lady friend.

    Let me say that after much soul searching and prayer I’ve learned there are many kinds of Love. “Brotherly Love” (Philadelphia), “Eros Love” (romantic) and “Agape Love” (Eternal & Forgiving).

    My Dad isn’t the only male I’ve known to endure widower-hood. But the common denominator is that based on Genesis 2:21 – man was not created to live without companionship. So that would explain why the “jump” into a another new relationship. The same thing happened for Abraham after Sarah died at Genesis 23. And at Genesis 25:1 Abraham took Keturah for his wife.

    It’s almost like having a wife for a Male is like their GPS – maybe that’s why God referred to a woman as “helpmeet” (Genesis 2:18).

    Anyhow, as far as I’m concerned… the kind of love most of us (at least deep within our soul) long for is Agape Love (I think I shared a blogpost about it a couple years back)…

    Liked by 2 people

  9. I understand how you feel! I’m not married, but if I had a husband and he passed away I could not step into another relationship that quick! When I have a pet pass on I can’t get another one until I grieve the one I’ve lost!

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  10. indeed some work so differently to us. My wife died I was alone 12 years unable to touch another woman. wired that way maybe. I never really have settled into a relationship now 23 years on. No one can come near to her at moment I have not looked nor have I been approached only for hook ups. thank you for commenting on my blog dear lady. My first thought is enjoy your holiday.

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  11. This was a heart touching post with deep thoughts and emotions. It really resonates, as I can recall coming home on my lunch break, three days after my mother’s funeral and not been able to get in the door. The security chain across the door, then my dad rushing to the door undressed with the smell of cologne and a woman’s perfume filling the air. As he spoke liquor feeling my nostrils as he spoke. Asking me to leave because he had company. Stunned turning away with tears, my limbs felt numb as I floated back to my car. Stunned not because of surprise, but the fact it was so soon. It was a known fact in our home, the community that he had many affairs.

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    1. Oh Yonnie I am so sorry you had to go through this, we have a lot in common, my Father moved in with a woman the day after my Mums funeral, I believe he also had not been faithful during their marriage, because you don’t just change that quickly, I’ve written a lot about it in my early blogs, it was good for me to get it off my shoulders. I hope you can move on like I have, it was a struggle and took work, but I have my peace back finally. Blessings Yonnie xxx

      Liked by 2 people

      1. It is wonderful to converse with others who have experienced common life challenges . I’m truly grateful for the healing that has taken place. My choice to move on and not get stuck, began with choosing
        Life, then offering love and forgiveness. God made it all possible. It was a process of acceptance and letting it go, that has given me peace. Blessings to you and your family.

        Liked by 1 person

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