Sometime ago I wrote about my dear Mum passing away. It was almost four years ago. Last night I felt very sad, this is how I still feel about my Father, because he moved in with another woman the day after my Mum passed. Everybody thought he was a devoted husband of 53 years, his behaviour has forever changed how I feel about him, these are my thoughts, when I let myself go to the dark place he created, when I stop fighting to stay in the good place.
I am still so haunted by all the things I don’t know, all the secrets you keep. I am so very angry. Did Mum know? did she find out? Is that why you both suddenly moved away all those years ago, away from your children and grandchildren? Did Mum find out and it caused her illness, did the stress bring on the cancer? Why don’t you have any guilt? why did you give away all her precious things to Charity straight after the funeral, without offering my sister and I chance to keep things? Why did you betray her memory? Why have you no shame?
I can never forgive you, you have wiped out every good childhood memory I had. All the happiness has been eaten away by your lies, deceit, dishonour and betrayal. I don’t know who you are. I am so tired of being so angry. So tired of not knowing what really went on, so tired of wondering if your behaviour ultimately took my precious Mums life before her time.
After the first two years without my Mum, I decided to stop churning all these thoughts back and forth in my head. I made a conscious decision that each time I started with these questions, I would have a safe memory to block them out. It was hard at first, it took practice, but eventually I felt bleak less and less. Now the dark place only lasts for minutes, occasionally. I would urge anyone with such deep hurt, depression or darkness they can’t seem to see a way out of, to talk to someone, anyone, a friend, relative, priest or doctor, or me. It is so important not to go through these things alone. Once you talk about it, you will find out that you are not alone, many people have struggles and demons. Don’t suffer in silence.